Life without you is unthinkable still, but its going to happen, how do i deal with that, how do i cope with the loneliness, how do i fill the massive hole you left, how do i deal with not having you beside me when i wake up in the morning, HOW DO I DEAL WITH LIFE NOW?.
This is a question i have been asking and are still asking, I haven’t got the answer, I don’t know what to do, what I do know is that it will destroy me if I don’t find away.
People always say it will get better in time, how do they know it will? what makes them know how I feel and if i can accept this, time isn’t the issue here, time is irellevent, what Julie meant to me wasn’t some sort of hobby, she was my life, my soulmate, my best friend, how do i accept losing her? How do my children accept losing her, and how can I help them accept that. We deal with problems everyday as people, but this isn’t a problem, this is a life changing situation that can hurt so many people.
Julie had been feeling ill for along time, the arguments we had because of it would of broken most relationships. She got so ill but when her dad died and it was time for the funeral she made a massive effort to go, it was so hard for her but she did it, and I was so proud of her.
A month before she died she got to the point of not being able to move, she couldn’t get out the house, she would cry without reason, mentally she was struggling, she suffered panic attacks, and she had pulled a lot of her hair out. I finally managed to get her to make an appointment for the doctors, but it was to little to late, her appointment was on the 12th of march at 2 pm , that was the day she died.
I rang her at 10 am as usual on the 12th, we went through the usual conversation and at the end I said I will be home by 12.50, and we told each-other we loved each-other. At 11 am i got a phone call from my youngest daughter telling me mum had passed out again, I told her to call an ambulance and I left work straight away, on the way home I got a phone call from my sister in-law who at this time was at my house, she said “Andy you need to get home quick, julie’s not breathing” I said I will meet you at the hospital, I was still believing she would be ok, she was in good hands, and anyway this sort of thing dose’nt happens to me
I was ushered to a seat in the hospital, after a couple of minutes i looked to my left as they wheeled Julie in on a trolly, a machine was pumping down on her chest, then she disappeared, a couple of minutes later we were moved to a side room, then a doctor appeared and began to tell me that they can’t save her, that’s the moment my life went into self destruct.
I was asked if I could turn off the machines that were keeping her alive, I knew with such pain in my heart that I had to say yes, and I had to say it in front of my children, and that was the most painful thing I will ever do. after a very emotional and heart-breaking good-by, I kissed her on the forehead and vowed that I will do my very best for my family, but now am so scared am going to fail her.
The truth is am not dealing with losing Julie, am drinking such alot, at least 2 litres of whiskey a week , but the worst thing is am drowning in self pity, I can’t stop crying, and I can’t stop thinking about her, I miss her so much, am struggling to live without her. But i will beat this , because I have to, because I have a life to live, because I have children that depend on me , and because I have a human love for life, and with that there is no deal.
As the months went by the days where a blur, things began to settle, they didnt get better, I just controled my feelings better, Its a start, It’s not the finish, It may never be the finish.
“DO NOT CRY AT MY GRAVE FOR I AM NOT THEIR
I HAVE A DATE WITH A BUTTERFLY TO DANCE IN THE AIR”